Everyday Fictions

Writing by Adam Golub

Dad 2022. Venturing Forth.

This week you experienced the great outdoors. Well, Acacia Park, at least. Just a mile from where we live. We parked the car on the street and in your stroller we took you around the grass and grounds. Past picnic tables and the playground and the fields and the creek. Your eyes were closed for most of it, but you breathed in the open air and I like to think you felt the world roll by underneath. I want you to know and appreciate and hopefully love nature, those spaces with dirt and trees and streams and vistas and not as many hints of human-built things. I’ve spent a part of my life seeking out these places, climbing up mountains, canoeing down rivers, trekking across valleys, skiing down slopes, running on wooded trails, camping under big night skies. From New Hampshire and Maine to Texas and New Mexico to Montana and Wyoming to Utah and California and beyond. In recent years, Mom has joined me in these explorations, from rambles around the hills and beaches and coves of Orange County, to hikes around the north rim of the Grand Canyon. I hope some day we can all seek out these spaces together. It’s good to get outside. It’s good to get away. It’s good to see the world majestic by day and the stars endless at night.

Life with you is grand. You are growing. You open your eyes more. You are starting to wriggle with vigor. Mom swears she sees a dimple in your hint of a smile. You are becoming you. We are still sleep deprived, mom especially. It’s hard for her to nap with all she has to do, the feeding and the pumping and the feeding and the pumping. I think she’s running on love and adrenaline. We spend our time giving you comfort, keeping your belly full and your body dry and your spirit untroubled. To know as a parent that this is what I must do each day—it’s a gift. This sense of mission and focus, this clarification of the hours and weeks unfolding ahead. To be a father is to live in a state of lucidity. My life is Autumn, for now and for all the years to come.

Dad 2022. Dancing Days.

Sometimes I dance with you. In the middle of the night, in the middle of the day, I put on music and I hold you in my arms and we move across the living room floor. I sing to you, I swing with you, I hum along deep in my chest. I tell you things about the song and the artist, I point out good lyrics and great hooks. “Get ready for this chorus… I think you’re gonna like it.” Shawn Colvin and Natalie Merchant and Tracy Chapman and Stevie Nicks and Tom Petty and Suzanne Vega. I played U2 the other day and talked a lot about the bass line in “Two Hearts Beat As One.” That might not have interested you much, I don’t know. I just love rocking with you. Music is a simple good thing in life that can move and inspire you. It can make you think and make you feel and take you to far off places. And in those moments when you are able to share in the music with someone else, to listen deeply together and dance together and connect across the notes… that’s living lovely.

Today you are two weeks old and it feels like we brought you home from the hospital just a few days ago. We are still trying to figure you out, to learn your rhythms and to learn to accept that each day (and each long night) is going to be a little different from the day before. Nana has left town and it’s just me and mom again. I got sidelined Friday night with a stomach bug, so mom had a long stretch with you. She is phenomenal in every way and you are lucky to have her as your mother. She is aglow and she is on it. All day long she tells you she loves you. I was back on track this morning, alarm at 3 a.m., me and you on the couch by 3:15, with a bottle for you and a coffee for me. Each day with you is exceptional even when it’s ordinary—feeding, changing, sleeping. Time floats along, a steady wave of devotion and delight. It’s the best new normal I’ve ever known, and I don’t want this dance to end.

Dad 2022. 10 Days.

Today you are ten days old. To celebrate, I woke up at three in the morning and fed you a bottle of mom’s milk. You and I sat on the couch by the soft lamplight. After a while, Apricot came downstairs to join us. I had the TV on low. I watched you slowly drink and I was so glad that I could do this for you. Then when you were done I laid you in the baby lounger on the coffee table in front of me, and in no time you nodded off. This all means that mom is going to be able to sleep twice as long as she’s been able to sleep since the minute you were born.

It’s been a busy few days for you. Nana walks over from her hotel each morning and spends the day with us. Yesterday she took you outside, to the back patio, where she sat with you in her arms for hours. You got to listen to birds and the fountain and the distant sounds of a big world. Yesterday we also gave you a bath, but just with a sponge. Mom, Nana, Apricot, and I all crowded into the small bathroom and hovered over your tub to witness the event. Every first is only a first once.

Your grandfather, your Nonno, also came to see you this week for a spell. You are getting to know your people. Much of our family lives far, but they are traveling the distance to get a look at you. Love is on the move.

I feel a profound calm and my heart is full. Your mom and I have been waiting our whole lives for you, and here you are. Ten days old, all light and grace, a stunner.

Dad 2022. Spring Forward.

I love you. Also, I am tired. But not as tired as mom. Today you are one week old and you are everything to us.

After mom finished nursing you at 7:00, I took Apricot for a walk. The sun was rising and the light made Apricot look like golden wheat. It was cool—California cold—and Apricot was trying to sniff every dewy leaf on every single bush. She finds so much to take in, even as we follow the same course each morning. New water on a familiar petal, a different quality of light. A spring in her step each day, without fail. She’s a good teacher, that dog.

You met Nana yesterday. She flew in from New Jersey. I’ve never seen her smile like she did when mom came down the stairs with you in her arms. She held you right away, and cradled you for two hours. She is a strong, smart woman, your Nana. She has a lot of love to give and a lot to share with you about the world. She is an adventurer, a reader, a person who likes to help her community and do what she can to make lives better. You have her devotion. She will be your guide.

You did not meet your grandpa, my father, because he passed away six months ago. He knew about you, though. He knew you were coming, and that made him very happy. On the day you were born, I kept searching for him in the hospital walls, trying to feel him there in the room. I’ll be telling you a lot about your grandpa. We have many stories, and stories are one way to keep people around even after they’ve gone.

Mom is still asleep, which is good. I’m going to pour another cup of coffee and breathe in another new day with you.

Dad 2022. 5 Days.

It’s Friday and you are five days old. We are enchanted by you. All day long we get lost in your wiggles and breaths and your deep green eyes. You’ve spent most of your time on this earth so far upstairs in our bedroom, in the bassinet by the bed and in the big blue chair by the balcony door. You nurse, you sleep, you are admired. Mom feeds you on the chair while Apricot and I sit on the floor nearby, helping how we can. I make entries in your chart: 16 minutes left breast, 12 minutes right breast, wet diaper at 2:36 am. You are our new timeline. We mark our days by you. We sleep when we can, though often we’d prefer to stay awake. We may have to reconsider this in the coming weeks.

I’m trying to manage things around the house. Walking and feeding Apricot, making Mom an omelette in the morning and a salmon dinner at night, going shopping for what we need. I also sneak in a run or a ride here and there. Much of making a home is making sure the people you love eat, sleep well, are warm, and are paid attention to. We are a family of four now. We are a household.

We learn something new all the time with you. Mom is a research machine, with instincts on point and a network of friends for support. I keep thinking about how you are pure magic, a source of wonderment, and yet there is a science to your care. Tending to you is practical, empirical. But you are also a marvel. You are art and love and beauty, and we are keeping track of every single time you eat and excrete.

You will have some visitors soon. You’ll meet more of your family. Your world is starting to expand. It will stretch wider each new day.

Dad 2022. 58 Hours After.

You are here with us at home now. Life is a beautiful wonder and you are magnificent. I am drinking coffee at the table, Apricot is sitting on the couch looking out the window, and you and Mom are resting upstairs. The morning is quiet and the sun is chasing away the dark on our back patio. We’ve been talking to you quite a bit since you arrived. Mom’s voice when she says your name—I’ve never heard such a lovely sound. So mellifluous, an ancient lullaby. We’ve been working together to make you comfortable. She nurses you, I burp you, we change your diaper together, when you cry I walk around the room with you in my arms, you lay on my bare chest, you lay on mom’s belly, we tell you stories. We’ve been playing a lot of Fleetwood Mac for you. I’m afraid you have no say in this. Their music is good for the soul. It’s all about love and feeling and being alive.

You were born at 8:56 pm on Sunday, March 6, 2022, at the Kaiser Permanente Anaheim Medical Center. 32 hours after we induced labor, and after just 13 minutes of pushing. Mom was a warrior, getting through every contraction with that strength she keeps on reserve deep down. With every wave, we breathed together and I put my hands on mom’s lower back and watched the clock, and before you knew it, you were here, your head and body and wriggling arms and legs passing into our world. Mom and I were weeping with delight and awe at the arrival of Autumn.

There was a nurse who was with us those final few hours who made all the difference, coaching mom, helping us relax and understand. Her name is Melissa and we are grateful for her.

We learned a lot after you were born, while we were still in the hospital. A crash course in the basics: feeding, changing, swaddling (I’m afraid I’m still working on that one), learning how to try to interpret your cries. In the hospital room, I slept on a small couch by a big window that looked onto Highway 91 and the Santa Ana Mountains, and I kept gazing out, thinking of your journey to come, the byways and climbs, the horizon and your motion through the universe. By Tuesday morning we were ready to take you home, and here you are.

I should tell you that today is March 9th, which is ten years since Alexis’s mom passed away, your amazing Grandma Paula. The dates are so close together that you can’t help but be moved by it, the way things turn on this earth. Mom misses her mother every day. She has so much of her inside that you will get to know Nonna Paula through her. I never got to meet her, but many early mornings before Mom wakes up I look at the photos of Paula on the sideboard by the front door and I talk to her and I try to listen for her. You are filled with the love of everyone here now and everyone who is no longer with us. That’s the way our hearts work.

Mom is awake now and I’m going to go see her and say hi to you. It’s another new day.

Dad 2022. The Friday Before.

You are coming into our lives this weekend. I am excited and nervous and a little scared, honestly. Mom is ready, she keeps saying. We are both ready to meet you, for you to be in the world, to be with us in our home, your new home, with love and attention and support and books and music and our dog Apricot and fresh air and laughter. Mom and I like to laugh a lot. We’ve laughed every day since we’ve been together. We will also be tired, so we’ve been told. You will first experience us as sleep deprived novices. The house is clean and ready for you. This will be a home to make you feel safe and nurture your dreams. We’ll do our best to teach you about life, from what we know, from what we imagine and idealize, from what we’ll fight to make just so. You will become you here with us. You will grow—I can’t even begin to describe how much you’ll grow, now and even much later. We will always be there for you. You don’t know what clichés are yet, but we’ll be spouting a lot of them, because often they are true and they fit the occasion. I’ll be reading to you, playing piano for you, making up silly songs to sing to you (just ask Apricot…), and holding you on my chest, my arms a screen and a sanctuary, holding you alee, and also holding you when you face the wide, windy world. I’ll be a little older than the other dads, and I think about this more than I’d like, but I’ve got a lot to share with you, I don’t have ambitions to split time with you, I’ve got the love of years to pour into you. I’m in good health, with decent self awareness and an even temper and a persistent childlike sense of wonder about the universe and all things in it. My knees are a bit creaky and my teeth seem to hurt for no reason depending on the weather, and I have some anxiety now and again, some bouts with the past and worries about the future, but this can be part of life, and it’s nothing compared to what it was like long before, before I knew anything besides myself, before I met your mother and everything changed and light was suddenly all around. This weekend I will become your dad, and then I will be your dad forever.

On Politics, Technology, and Imagined Community

On Sunday, I happened to catch Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s live story on Instagram and sent a tweet saying that I was absorbed by it and that it felt like something we hadn’t quite seen before in politics. I study and teach about American culture and was interested in this intersection of technology, politics, and imagined community. My tweet went viral and the responses have been predictably varied. But I’d like to say a little more about why I was absorbed by this event, from an American Studies perspective. I think this is a cultural phenomenon worth hovering over and trying to make some sense of.

In his book Imagined Communities (1983), the political scientist Benedict Anderson examines the idea of the nation, how a “nation” is constructed in the minds of its members. He essentially asks, what is it that makes people think of themselves as part of a nation? How does a nation become more than just a geographical construct—lines drawn in the dirt—and come to exist as an idea and a cultural project that people believe in and are invested in? We will never know the names of more than a handful of our fellow Americans, yet we have a sense of comradeship with them, or at least a sense of parallel belonging, because of the idea of nation. As Americans, we are all—at this exact moment in time, with our collective memory and histories—part of an imagined community called the United States of America.

Anderson’s theory has been useful to American Studies scholars in trying to understand the formation of communities of all stripes, in exploring how groups of people think about themselves and relate themselves to others within a specific community. That community could be a nation, or a state (California is an imagined community), or a city, or a university (Cal State Fullerton is an imagined community), or a fandom—such as Lakers basketball, Taylor Swift fans, Trekkies. In an imagined community, members might feel a sense of fraternity and comradeship. They have a shared understanding of time, of history. They experience a kind of simultaneity, or simultaneous belonging, with people they know exist but will never meet: we are all watching this game (and we know the players and coaches and team history), we are all students and staff and teachers at Cal State Fullerton (who all have the same problem trying to find parking on campus…), we are all Trekkies or Californians or Americans. Of course, we can also feel like we don’t belong in these communities, or aren’t welcome in them, and this too results from the fact that community is imagined a particular way in the culture, and then maintained through the exercise of power.

Culture is key to understanding Anderson’s ideas, because it is through culture that we imagine what community can or should look like. And technology facilitates this imagining. What Ocasio-Cortez is doing with these live Instagram stories is culturally—and politically— interesting in terms of imagined community. Clearly, these live stories provide her supporters with a sense of comradeship. They are already part of a community of Ocasio-Cortez backers who share a certain enthusiasm for the person and the ideals, and now they get to tune in together, to gather in the virtual town square. But the live stories also allow supporters to experience simultaneity. On Instagram, supporters can ask their own questions and read the stream of each other’s questions. They are all “living” in this community at this moment, no matter how far they might be separated by anonymity and geography. Meanwhile, Ocasio-Cortez is in her kitchen, wearing a Teamsters t-shirt with sleeves rolled up, cooking dinner, following a black bean soup recipe, and talking to the users who are following her live story. She periodically reads questions aloud posed by users and answers them spontaneously, without any notes or any pause button on the action to carefully compose her response. In short, she’s engaged in a conversation with several thousand people even though they are not in the room with her. For the length of the live story, this particular group of people is able to experience simultaneous belonging to community—a community that might be “imagined” but somehow feels very real at that moment.

We shouldn’t underestimate the power of this feeling of simultaneity, of this form of imagining. Too often in this age of social media we post or text things in solitude, or in the company of just a few, and then have to wait for others to respond or like or love or comment. That’s not exactly parallel belonging; rather, it’s a kind of time-delayed belonging that accrues throughout the day and provides us with periodically updated confirmation that our community is paying attention to us. By contrast, an Instagram story happens in real-time. And in the case of Ocasio-Cortez, the fact that an elected representative of Congress is cultivating an imagined community not through a speech, or a tweet, or a formal townhall meeting, but rather through an Instagram live story out of her kitchen… well, that’s what makes this all the more interesting and that’s why I was so absorbed. Other politicians have used social media platforms to similar ends, and I confess I’m not widely familiar with every single one of those instances, but based on what I saw of Ocasio-Cortez’s story (which I accidentally happened upon while checking my Instagram on Sunday, and subsequently couldn’t stop watching…), I’d say this is something to pay attention to in our culture and politics: the new ways we are forming imagined civic communities that encourage simultaneous belonging.

Are these akin to FDR’s fireside chats? Yes and no. To be sure, President Roosevelt helped construct imagined community with his radio broadcasts in the 1930s and 1940s, and there was a simultaneity Americans could feel when they all tuned in at the same time. But Roosevelt read prepared remarks from the White House. These remarks always had a specific focus and message. The president dressed formally and sat at a desk in the Diplomatic Reception Room. Comforting and colloquial as his words may have been, they were nonetheless framed by his position of power, and filtered through the technology of the radio, which had its own set of possibilities and limitations at the time. What we’re seeing here in 2018 is an extension and elaboration on the fireside chat, a new intersection of technology, politics, and imagined community that will have its own set of cultural ramifications.

Recommended Reading:

Sherry Turkle, Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Ourselves (2011/2017), on technology, intimacy, and solitude.

Carolyn Thomas de la Pena, “’Slow and Low Progress,’ or Why American Studies Should Do Technology,” in American Quarterly 58:3 (September 2006), on the importance of understanding technology as both substance and ideology in American cultural life.

Robert Bellah et al, Habits of the Heart: Individualism and Commitment in American Life (1985), on how people draw on cultural resources to make sense of their lives, their actions, and their life’s purpose.

On American Studies, asking questions, and studying the everyday

Remarks delivered at the 2018 California State University, Fullerton Humanities and Social Sciences Commencement for American Studies and Religious Studies, May 19, 2018

Before proceeding, I want to take a moment to acknowledge Dr. Pamela Steinle, who is retiring from the American Studies department after teaching at Cal State Fullerton for 38 years. Pam Steinle has been central to shaping the identity and culture of our department, and our graduate program in particular, and I wanted to give our students a chance to join me in recognizing her for all that she has done for them and for American Studies. Thank you, Pam.

Any student who has taken a class with Pam Steinle knows she likes to challenge them to formulate their own questions about American culture. She encourages them to come up with what she calls their “cultural question.” What is it about culture and the way culture works that you want to try to figure out? Learning to ask good questions is of course one of the goals of an education. Questions drive discovery, questions spur innovation. Questions also make us feel human and alive because they light a spark to our curiosity and our imagination. These students are sitting here today because the courses they took at Cal State Fullerton taught them how to ask questions and how to try to answer them.

The graduates sitting here today have learned to ask questions about the past. About history. About cause and effect, about change over time.

The graduates sitting here today have also learned how to ask questions about everyday life. The author John Updike once said that in his fiction, he strived to “give the mundane its beautiful due.” The short story writer Raymond Carver similarly observed, “There are significant moments in everyone’s day that can make literature.” When we study work, leisure, family, art, religion, community, identity, we are studying those significant moments, we acquire knowledge about us, we study what the scholar Lynn Spigel calls the “invisible history of everyday life.”

At Cal State Fullerton, students in American Studies and Religious Studies have learned to ask—and to try to answer—some big questions about the everyday: Why do we believe what we believe? How do we shape our identity, our sense of who we are? How do we find community? Why are we driven to create? How do we try to live up to our ideals? Why do we sometimes fall short? How do we learn to love one another? I can think of no more urgent questions than these questions about the everyday, these questions about how we live and why we live and how we might live differently.

The graduates sitting here today have learned to ask these kinds of questions and they have acquired the tools, the methods, and the knowledge to try to answer them. The writer Sven Birkerts, reflecting back on his own education, once wrote that knowledge “was less a means to an end than… a way of transforming the experience of the daily. To be curious, to study, to find out—this was the path to the world. Knowledge exposed connections, imparted significance to the incidental.”

Speaking of the incidental…a few weeks ago I was enjoying some pizza with students from my capstone seminar on music and American culture. We were at BJ’s Restaurant, in Brea, for a faculty/student social event put on by our student club. As we chowed down on that delightful deep dish pizza, some of my students jokingly complained that American Studies had ruined their leisure time. “I can’t just watch a movie and enjoy it anymore, professor. Now I have to think about. And then I have to talk about it with my friends and my family.” Many of you in the audience know what I’m talking about, because you’ve been on the receiving end of those conversations.

I’ve heard this same lament from students many times over the years, that their education has ruined television, or sporting events, or social media, or even trips to the beach or the mall. What were once innocent escapist pleasures have suddenly become serious occasions for cultural analysis. When my students say that their education has spoiled their leisure time, what they mean, of course, is that it has seeped beyond the walls of the classroom. What they are learning in school has changed the way they think, the way they contemplate the world, the way they process their encounters with diverse people, ideas, places, and stories. 

So when students say this to me, when they lament that their education has ruined their free time, I say good, great, that was our plan all along. And then I do the evil laugh. I hope the education you received here continues to ruin your leisure time for the rest of your life. And by ruin, of course, I—and my students—both mean, enhance it and make it richer because of the questions we find ourselves asking even—and especially—when we’re outside the classroom.

We are here today in this lovely auditorium to celebrate the fact that the people you care about have had their curiosity and imagination set on fire, and they’ve been armed with the tools to go out and try to answer their questions about the past, the present, and about everyday life. One of my favorite authors, the African American writer Ralph Ellison, once said that education is all a matter of building bridges. I love that idea. A bridge, after all, is an answer to a question: how do I get there?